So, I have known this guy since November 2006. I have always been attracted to tall, dark and handsome guys. He is one of those. And he constantly has been in my mind since. I remembered being literally speechless when I saw him. When he talked to me for the first time, I was full of 'Uhh's and 'Hmmm's.
It was just a little crush at first.
Couple of months after that, we became close. Like extremely close. We would text each other almost everyday until the wee hours of the morning. I was a really emotionally troubled person then; with problems all around and kept breaking down. But he was there. Was always there.
There was one night, right after my Quran reciting class, he called. He knew I cried earlier in the day and so he called just to talk to me and to console me. He gave me a lot of encouragement, a lot of support. My voice changed and he asked: "Are you crying?" Of course, I had to lie.
I started to really like him after that.
February 11th, the day I really hated. I still hate that day today. I was in my religious class and I received a text message from him. And yes, I was really excited about that. But it was a message I never expected to receive from him or anyone. I can't remember what the text said as I read it only once. I did not re-read the text again because it was too much for me to handle. But the only thing I could remember was, he told me that we should cut down on contacting each other because they way we contacted each other upset some people.
We cooled down and let things rest for a while, and of course, we started to contact back as often as we used to. He was the only person to talk on the phone with me for at least 4 hours at night. But that occured only once. We talked about almost everything; his family, my family, work, school, problems, his ex, my ex, miscellanous things etc.
We had some things in common. We joked really a lot. He loved making fun of me. And I would always nagged at him and he would say: "You are acting like my mom." One time he even said: "Sometimes, you bring light into my life." That has been my favourite quote ever. It still is. And when I jokingly said: "Hey! Did you miss me?" He would always reply back with: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." ♥
He was an extremely sweet person. He listened to my non-stop complains. I do not know or understand how this guy could actually tolerate my cries and always listen me whining. "Be strong. Do not breakaway from me, okay?" He always used the perfect words at the, sometimes, wrong time.
I would always keep his messages. And when my phone was dying on me or needed to be changed, it really saddens me so much when I had to delete them.
We were too close with each other and it felt as though we were a couple. By that time, I already have a huge ginormous crush on him. Which at times made me think that I may have fallen for him.
But things changed after that particular year. He was too busy with work and I was too busy with school. We would only text each other about once every two months. It was pretty sad that we only contacted that much, but I was grateful that he still remembered me.
We are kinda back in contact again. But things are totally way different now. There are not much to talk about. We don't joke as much as we used to. He still gives me advices, but we would always have more serious conversations this time. I'm grateful for that, but I feel really sad it's not the same as last time.
I do not want to text him always because I do not want him to think that I'm being such a nuisance. I'm still struggling to fight that temptation. I've been missing him too much. And my heart hurts. If it hurts, then I think I love him. Yes? I don't know.
He used to call me 'Syahidah Begum', and when I asked why he kept calling me that, he said he liked that name. I'm guessing he thought that I do not like to be called that, so now he calls me 'Nurul'. Cahaya, light. Hopefully his light.
Now when I know what 'Begum' means, I miss him calling me that.
And Begum means Princess.
I want him to know but at the same time I don't want
him to find out.